The Journey


No one could possibly understand what I really mean when I say, this has been an incredibly long and painful journey.

I am sad, yes. I’m nostalgic, and I am a bit ashamed. Everything was supposed to have been better. I still do wish that it was. I still miss your companionship.

Even so,

I’m starting to see, this is the last leg in a journey I’ve been trudging along for years. I finally starting to find peace, and love, and understanding… from myself. I haven’t been able to do that for years. I’ve held myself captive to such an insane amount of guilt, shame, and self-hatred, yet somehow I am starting to forgive myself forthe lost years.

And yeah, sure, I still fucked it up again this time too, but not even half as bad, not nearly as severe, or as heartless, or as ruthless, or cruel. I exercised a lot more restraint, a lot more understanding and patience. I did show a lot more selflessness. For all my faults, I need to credit my growth and virtue too.

If you look at this situation as the be-all-end-all, then yes I’m a failure, sure. But I didn’t believe in forevers anyway.

If you look at it as but a step on the path, as a chapter of the story, then this has all been character development. I’ve grown. I’m not sure if anyone knows that. I wonder if there’s anyone who could even see it there if they looked. I don’t think anyone knows enough of the story. Maybe Cody. Or my mom. Or Emily.

She’s been gone too long to see much of anything though, I suppose.

All aside, I know that I still have a ways to go, but the progress is proof enough for me that even if everyone else keeps giving up on me, I know I’ll get where I want to be someday; I’m headed there now. And I’ve learned so much. 

This chapter has been one of the happiest I’ve ever had, so thanks Kirsten. I’m still compelled to apologize again, and again, and again, for my mistakes, but maybe I’ve apologized enough. Maybe it’s time to just lay it all to rest, and have peace.

You’re free. I’m free.

I’m excited for what’s ahead. For all of us.

Time to turn the page.

The Guest House – Rumi

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,

and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.